The One

The Notebook, Atonement, Titanic, Sleeping Beauty, Moonrise Kingdom, The Princess Bride, Wuthering Heights, Dr. Zhivago, Anna Karenina. 

 

The concept of “one true love” is nothing if not persistent. The idea that there is just one person out there that is a perfect match for us. And of course, when you meet them, you’ll know at some point, they’re “the ONE”. You’ll fit like 2 puzzle pieces destined to be popped into place together.

My complicated relationship with romance...

OK so if you read this blog you’re probably going to guess (and be totally on the money) that I’ve never experienced this phenomenon. The longer I write here the more I’m coming to understand that I am a deeply repressed romantic and have been all of my life. So yeah, I learned growing up from mom that searching and waiting for my “one true love” was a waste of time and would leave me sad and alone. Because there are no perfect fits and you find someone who mostly makes you happy and work on the rest. Yes—Love/Marriage 101 Professor Mom. But all along there was this shadow girl inside of me who grew into a shadow woman always daydreaming about things that definitely weren’t sensible or even probable.

So yes, part of me yearned for that “one true love” to materialize, even if I would have denounced the concept as total bullshit had I been asked. Every crush was a potential candidate and eventual failure. As a professional artist and creative writer my fantasy life was, shall we say vivid and faintly desperate. All the romance I secretly longed for bounced fruitlessly around in my brain as little stories where I met “the ONE” and we fell passionately in love. I can’t remember when that stopped for me precisely. Probably somewhere in my 30’s.

"The ONE" that got away

Life got too real. I was taking care of both parents as they slid downhill into dire health problems that eventually took their lives. All while losing a career I loved. Suddenly romance was exactly what my mom had always painted it to be. Frivolous, unnecessary, faintly silly. What had I been longing for all that time? If I wanted a partner, was I really going to look or wait for one person who was a perfect match?

Who was perfect? I wasn’t. How could I expect to find someone who checked every box I had on my perfect partner list when I’d had such crappy luck just dating? No one was coming to rescue me from the dark tower I suddenly found myself living in. So, I got down to the business of rescuing myself. That shadow me (the girl who never grew up and still longed for romance). She got squeezed thin as tissue paper, folded up and put away. But I think she cried just the same as my fragile blown glass fantasy of “the ONE” was shattered.

 

Still, I have questions...

And yet I wonder about the concept now, halfway through my life (unless they’ve moved the finish line again). Is it real, do people actually have just one perfect partner out there? And if we do, the odds of finding that person are astronomical. So, the question becomes what do you do if you can’t find your someone? Do you settle for an OK partner or wait indefinitely?

Or, conversely, do we have many perfect matches out there? A select few but at least more than one. How do you know? And what if you’ve already chosen, married, committed to a partner and then, later, you meet your someone? How many of us are willing to hurt the ones we’ve pledged our love and devotion to in order to pursue “the ONE”? And would that new partner be worth the emotional devastation left behind?

 

How we stack up as believers statistically

According to Pew Research Center, 28% of average Americans do believe in the idea “one true love” but 69% don’t. Men are more likely at 31% than women at 26% to buy into it. Hispanics at 47% outweighed African Americans at 32% or whites at 24%. Education evidently plays a role. A college degree leaves people half as likely to believe (19%) as those with only high school diplomas or less (37%). Politics and religion shape how people respond to this question too. Conservatives were more likely than moderates (32% vs 24%) and Catholics were more likely than Protestants (38% vs 30%) and those non religious types rated super low at 17%.

But from here the research got really interesting. They posed the follow up question to the same folks who said they did believe in one true love: “And have you found yours, or not?” A whopping eight out of 10 said they had. Of all these respondents who claimed to believe: 54% of 18–29-year-olds said they’d found their one true love, 90% of adults ages 50 and older, 61% of unmarried adults and 79% of partners living together, and 96% of the married adults said they had found (and obviously married) theirs.

Psychology and "the ONE"

The psychology behind the belief in “one true love” can also be dangerous. Some people will stay in a relationship long after it’s failed believing that they’ve only got one shot at a true love. Worse some will stay and make excuses for abusive relationships for the same reason. And the reverse happens too. Partners in meaningful long-term relationships that have stalled and need work may connect intensely with someone else. Believing that this is “the ONE”, they may abandon a solid partnership only to discover that the new person was very exciting but not a lasting connection. In the meantime, a household may have been ripped apart, children confused and angry, the partner left behind emotionally raw. 

Biology and "the ONE"

There are a lot of articles out there that explain “the ONE” as a biological/neurological experience that can open the door for a relationship that evolves into something more substantial with a partner we enjoy spending time with. No magic involved and it could happen with more than one partner in a lifetime depending on how available you make yourself to interacting with and potentially having that experience with people.

Let's talk about True Love 

And the concept of "true love" outside of the preface of "the ONE".  Has pretty much been debunked as fantasy or at least redefined.  True love isn't something instantaneous and discovered in a lightning flash.  It's uncovered over time spent getting to know a partner.  You find out if you understand each other, if they respect you.  You start to look out for each other, to support one another (if things are going well) if not then here's a red flag. You find out how willing you both are to compromise to make things work (definitely a sign of a relationship with legs).  And neither of you are interested in other people.

What does it all mean?

I think I like the science version of finding "the ONE" better than the fantasy. It seems so much more attainable. Still a bit of a crap shoot but at least the target range is a little more forgiving. At the same time, I really believe that it’s not worth twisting yourself into knots over. Will you or won’t you find “the ONE” before you cash in your chips? What a monumental waste of time. Do what makes you happy. The idea being that you’d meet people doing the same things and thus you’d share these things in common.

Maybe you’ll have that biological/neurological spark with someone while you’re out there doing your thing. Maybe not. Maybe you’ll just meet someone you really like spending time with, and you’ll fall into loving them like I did. And that’s not a bad thing. They may not feel like “the ONE” because there was never that spark experience. But maybe “the ONE” isn’t just the partner who sets of that spark. Maybe they can be “the ONE” you find who shares your hopes and dreams and loves you deeply without ever asking for or needing a spark.